How to Sustain Sex for the Long Haul

Lets talk about sex! If you continued on with Baby, lets talk about you and me, then we are on the same page… but that just got awkward. Kind of like how it is talking about sex, am I right?! Sex can be such an awkward topic to talk about. I personally think its because there is nothing else more personal and vulnerable than sex and lets face it, our world does a pretty sucky job at personal and vulnerable things. Since I personally have struggled with talking about sex both in my personal life as well as with clients I decided to turn to the experts (yes, even therapists are not experts in everything – who would have thought) to help me expand my understanding and comfort with talking about sex. One of the experts I have found whose message I really connect with is Emily Nagoski. Emily is a sex educator and author. Her style feels real, relatable, simple, and compassionate – all the things I look for when I need to understand something more. She wrote a book called “Come As You Are” and I highly encourage anyone who has a vagina or wants to have a relationship with a vagina to read it. It has helped me understand women’s sexuality on a very needed level.

I recently got the privilege to hear Emily Nagoski speak at a conference on Sex and Perinatal Mental Health, and I want to share with you some of the nuggets of information that she shared there. One of those nuggets was what research tells us about how to have strong sexual engagement over multiple decades. And this is what the research tells us…

But first, let’s actually start with what the research does not tell us, the myths per say of this sought after experience. The research shows us that a couple does not necessarily have to have sex often, or have adventurous sex, or experience spontaneous desire where they can not keep their hands off of each other, or even have to have a strong craving for sex and think about it all day. They also do not have to be the “perfect” iconic couple in any way including health, body size, or relational structure. Actually research finds that people often have the best sex of their lives at age 55, which is nothing like what Hollywood would have us believing.

What helps keep strong sexual desire is much more simple (it feels important to note here that simple and easy are two very different words – so while simple, it might not be easy.) What research finds is needed to have long term sexual engagement over multiple decades are the following:

The two people that are having sex with each other are friends. Yep, they actually like and enjoy each other. And what this means one step deeper is that they trust each other. Remember when I mentioned that sex is vulnerable and personal? We need a level of trust to truly let ourselves be vulnerable with another person to be able to trust our body within their care (and let ourselves go to be able to have intimate orgasms). The way Emily Nagoski defined trust was through another one of my trusted experts related to relationships and couples therapy, Sue Johnson. Emily used Sue’s definition of trust, which is described using the acronym A.R.E. (we therapists love our acronyms). A.R.E. stands for: are you Accessible to me (emotionally); are you Responsive to me (emotionally); and are you Engaged with me (emotionally). Basically, will you be there for me when I am struggling, turn towards my struggle with kindness, compassion, and curiosity, while engaging with me by looking and listening to me (simple but not necessarily easy).
The next thing is the couples prioritize sex. They decide that connecting in a sexual way is important to their relationship so they plan for it and make time for it. They pull themselves away after cleaning the last dish and putting away the last toy and get into bed with each other and lay next to each other naked, bodies touching. Then if they enjoy each other, their bodies remember that they like connecting with this other body and off they go. Its like they book a party on their calendar and they don’t necessarily have the desire or anticipation to go to the party because of all the extra stuff they will have to do to be able to get to the party, but once they are at the party they enjoy their time there together. As Emily would say, “pleasure is the measure.” If we enjoy the pleasure we will receive and give it to our partners. We do not have to be excited, anticipating it, or even craving it, we just have to let our bodies give into it once we make it happen. Also, sex worth prioritizing is different for every couple and it is completely normal for sex to have less priority during certain stages of life, such as being new parents or raising little kids, or working 2 jobs and going to school at the same time. In these times, communication with each other related to sexual satisfaction, compromise, and understanding is always key.
The last thing is these couples are aware of and work to reverse Human Giver Syndrome. Human Giver Syndrome often occurs in women, but can be something that both men and women can relate to. It is the belief that as a human you have a moral obligation to be pretty, perfect, happy, calm, generous, attentive to the needs of others and have no personal needs to impose on someone else, and if you do not meet this obligation you deserve to be punished in the form of shame and judgement either from others or yourself. This looks like limited to no boundaries, feeling like you “should” do this or that, and not asserting your needs or desires. This also looks like resentment towards our partners for taking and expecting so much without giving in return. Couples that have sustained sexual desire over multiple decades BOTH believe that BOTH person’s needs, desires, and pleasures matter in sex. This involves the ability to be present in your body, communicate what feels good and what does not, and then listen attentively to your partner.

So that’s the secret to having a sustaining sexual life with your partner! Work on your friendship with them to enjoy your time with them, make sex – or should I say pleasurable sex – a priority, and focus on the pleasure of both people engaging in sex.

If you are interested in learning more you can buy Emily Nagoski’s book “Come As You Are” with the link below: https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

Or if you have not fully bought into this concept yet, the St. Paul Library has a few copies: https://sppl.bibliocommons.com/v2/search?query=Come%20as%20you%20are&searchType=smart&_ga=2.67267729.1063445002.1579106849-68930410.1565877536

Written by Malinda King, MA, LPCC

Photo credit: Steshka Willems from Pexels