Living in the Gap Between Expectations and Reality

We live in a society full of social expectations. Social expectations to be flawless at our jobs, flawless as partners, flawless as parents, flawless as children, flawless as friends, flawlessly attractive, etc. We inherently believe that if we meet these expectations we will be unconditionally accepted, loved, happy, and successful. We spend exorbitant amounts of energy working toward these high bars, likely feeling that we are failing or that these achievements are impossible but not always accepting that may be true. Everyone’s reality is unique, so why are we all trying to live up to the same expectations? Flawlessness (aka perfection) is fake. To show perfection or flawlessness is to not show the whole story. What would it be like if we all showed our true stories? If we showed ourselves as we are? And, what if we set our own social expectations based on ourselves and our realities?

Most of the time our reality does not match expectations. We are living in the gap between our and/or society’s expectations and our experience of reality. And, unfortunately stress, anxiety, and depression also live there. If we are constantly trying to achieve something that doesn’t fit for us, of course we feel anxious, stressed, and depressed. We feel and react better when things in our environment are congruent. For example, a new mom feels pressure to stay at home full-time with her baby. She makes the decision to quit her job and stay home. She enjoys her time with her baby, and at the same time really misses her job. Her expectation is to feel happy and fulfilled in her role as a mother and not miss her job at all. The reality is she feels happy as a mom but misses her job, and therefore feels like she is failing somehow, not finding everything she needs while staying home. That gap is stressful and it so often makes us feel like we are failing.

What if we put just as much effort into focusing on our honest journey as we did meeting our expectations? After all, the real story is better than the fake one. And, we are enough, flaws and all, just as we are.

Written by Kelly Rachu, MA, LAMFT

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