Teaching Your Child to Lose Graciously

I play games every day.  From Connect Four to Chutes and Ladders, I play them all with the children that visit my office.  Now playing games all day is indeed a fun job, but playing a game with a child is a great learning opportunity for the child and for me.  On my end, I learn if the child plays fair, handles disappointment and is kind to others.  For a child, they learn good sportsmanship and social skills in a non-verbal and exciting way.  Too often I see children who cheat to win and became distressed if they lose.  It is humorous to see the many clever ways children will try to deceive you in order to get a point ahead.  So how does a child learn to play fair and accept a loss?  Or in some cases how does a child learn to cheat or become distressed after losing? MODELING.  Now this is important because children grow up to become adults, adults who can either play fair or will do anything to win.  This draws to mind some role models in sports during these last few years.

As a parent, what you do is often more important than what you say.  A child pays attention to how you interact in this world.  This can feel overwhelming at first, but it comes down to basic concepts.  When you a play a game, do you focus on the enjoyment or on the results?  When playing, do you put pressure on making correct moves or do you delight in the uncertainty of chance?   When the game is over, do you voice displeasure with your performance or blame others for their faults?  Do you say good game and praise your hard work?  What you do in  those moments sends a message to your child about why a game is played and what the value is placed on. 

So the next time you play a game with your child, be aware of the message you are sending.  Be sure to highlight positive choices and the enjoyment of just having fun!  When the game is over, accept disappointment graciously by giving praise to the winner and not focusing on failures.  The best part is that you are teaching life skills while playing a game!  Now you see why I enjoy playing games so much. 

Written by Elizabeth Hamburger, MS LMFT

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