Some Thoughts on Change…

Do you have a particular habit that you would like to change? Have you repeatedly tried to change it only to find that days, weeks or months later you’ve fallen back into the same old pattern again? While this can be discouraging, chances are very good that you’re not alone. True change frequently requires multiple attempts. The good news is that self-examination about our so-called failures can often reveal important information about why we are having difficulty making a desired change.

If you are struggling to make important changes in your life, here are some questions you might find useful to ask yourself:

• Have I underestimated how difficult this change would be?

Many of us find ourselves stuck in habits that cause a lot of personal pain. Because we want the pain to go away, we are easily drawn to solutions that promise a quick fix. Unfortunately, this rarely works. Our habits run deep, and changing them often requires a willingness to make a sustained effort over an extended period of time. Once the change is made, a continued commitment is usually needed in order to maintain the desired change.

• Did I try to make too big of a change?

One of the most common errors, particularly in our culture, is to try to change too much too quickly, and this is a real set up for failure. Unless you need to change behavior that has a high risk of imminent harm, it is better change habits incrementally rather than all at once. If you are feeling impatient, chances are good that you are trying to move too fast. Consider how you can break your goal into manageable steps. A slow and steady approach will give you time to internalize the changes you are making. Not only that, but a series of small accomplishments will build your confidence much more effectively than repeatedly falling short of an overly ambitious goal.

• What purpose has this habit served?

It may help to acknowledge that the habit you want to let go of has been serving you in some important ways. Perhaps your habit has been helping you to cope with stress, avoid pain, or experience some much-needed pleasure. What are the underlying needs you’ve been trying to meet with your habit? If you want to succeed in letting go of it, you will likely need to discover new, healthier ways of meeting these important needs.

• And finally, what is my deepest motivation for wanting to make this change?

Notice the attitude with which you approach your desired change. Do you hold a lot of harsh judgments about yourself? Do you think that this change will “fix” what’s “wrong” with you or make you a better person if you succeed? Beware of trying to make changes based on blatant or subtle feelings of self-hatred. See if you can identify a self-affirming and loving motivation for changing.

Written by Elena Walker, MA LPCC

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